Sunday, March 28, 2010 - approximately 8:15pm.
This was the approximate time of something fairly revolutionary happening in my life. That was about the time of the altar call that commenced after a Sunday night service of the First United Pentecostal Church of Oakdale, MN.
I came to church in a very anxious state. For quite some time, my soul had been a victim of self-inflicted torture. I would frequently mutilate my soul with unspoken words of disdain and hopelessness. For every imperfection I possessed, metaphorically I applied a lash upon my own back as my unseen opponents beheld and rejoiced. In various intervals of my spiritual life, I have done this to myself many times. This last episode of self-soul-mutilation began in mid-January upon my first week of school. This is what I brought with me to church that night.
Due to heightened anxiety and fearfulness, I sat in the very back pew, isolating myself from the gathered congregation up front. Those of you who have ever experienced anxiety are familiar with the "fight or flight" response. Sitting in the back pew was my open door to fly away if I needed to. Where would I go? What would I do? I don't know. Anxiety is a ball of confusion.
In all honesty, I really don't remember what was preached, or even who preached, for that matter. All I remember is the altar call. Instead of going up to the altar, I remained in my pew, but knelt on the floor, laying my head on the pew, covering it up with my jacket. All I could do was cry. In the times of life when we cry, we cry for one out of two reasons. One reason why we cry is because we become so frustrated trying to live life our own way, shutting God out. But the other reason why we cry is because we realize we were wrong in our ways and we become desperate to change our ways. Second Corinthians 7:10 puts it best: "For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death." The sorrow of the world is to weep when a hope is destroyed. Godly sorrow is to weep in gratitude knowing that God will always do that which is right by us, working all things together for our good to us that love Him. What is the reason behind our tears?
That night, godly sorrow came over my soul. To condemn, whether it be towards another or towards oneself, is to defeat Jesus' purpose in coming. Essentially, to condemn is to sin. It is telling God "No, thank you," when He offers you the gift of redemption. Jesus gave His life and shed his innocent blood that we might be saved. What more could He give? Greater love hath no man that this that a man lay down his life for his friends. So many of us, after the ultimate sacrifice, insist on denying the gift of salvation by condemning one another and ourselves. John 3:17 - For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. By condemning others and/or ourselves, we are inevitably pushing ourselves outside of the will of God.
This conviction rested upon me that night. I allowed my spirit to pray for the next several minutes as I gathered my thoughts. When my brain had processed my wrongdoings, I began to pray in my native tongue. Normally, I cannot find the words to say when I pray in my own language, but there will come times when an urgency drops into my spirit, and my mouth becomes filled with words. This was one of those times. I can declare unto you in all confidence that when God is in our midst, people will begin to do things outside of their character. Weaknesses will become strengths. I have seen the most introverted of people instantaneously become the most noticeable and powerful people in the room. The soft-spoken become loud speakers. The heartless will become loving. The weak will become strong. The insecure will gain a strong confidence. The foolish will gain wisdom. Even the toughest man will fall to his knees bawling uncontrollably. Who is this God who can do these things? His name is Jesus. His perfect love casts out all fear.
I do not remember exactly what I prayed when the Spirit of God prayed through me in my own language, but I do recall the power that came out from me. The gist of the prayer mainly focused on restoration, not only in my life, but also in the lives of the Bible college students and of saints around the world. By no means does this make me a special being. God will do something like this through the lips of ANY man or woman as long as they are compliant and have humbled themselves. I knew this ecstatic prayer would inevitably have a lasting effect because I knew that "the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." (James 5:16b)
A couple days later, in an ABI chapel service, God heeded to my supplication. Blessings to them who have prayed the same prayers of restoration. God has heard our cries! After our traditional abbreviated song service, the Spirit of God fell. The worshipers arose. There were great cries and screams of desperation as we all entered into the love affair with the King of kings. Needs were met. Hopes were restored. Spirits were revived.
Since my restoration mainly took place the previous Sunday night, this day, I was mainly grieving over a wayward friend of mine who has been so far from God for quite a while. At the time, I didn't realize it, but God used this burden to get my mind off of myself. People who live lives torturing themselves have great difficulty getting their minds off of themselves. They concentrate solely on what they can do to fix or punish themselves, neglecting the needs of others. When God had me intercede for my friend, it not only served as a blessing to my friend, but also to myself. It caused me to get my mind off of myself. Since Jesus summarized the Ten Commandments, there have only been two. The greatest is to love the Lord our God with everything we've got. The second is to love our neighbors as ourselves. To get our minds off of ourselves and onto someone else is to fulfill the second commandment.
Jesus said that if we love Him, then we will keep His commandments. There is a heartbreaking pandemic going around the world of people not loving Jesus with their actions. It is so easy for us to draw near to Jesus with our mouths, and to honor Him with our lips, yet remove our hearts completely from Him. We like to hold on to our grudges, bitterness, burdens, and keep them all for ourselves. In all reality, we are only hurting ourselves. We go through our days holding fast to the trivial and insignificant. O that we could cast away that which stops the Spirit of God from flowing through us. O that we could forsake our pride, our lusts, and our own selfish ambitions.
One of the greatest blessings we can receive is to be corrected of God. We often reject reproof because it feels like a curse, but it is really the only hope we have of being saved.
"For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons." (Hebrews 12:6-8)
The saddest thing that can happen to child of God is to go on in life without correction or discipline. Woe to the individual who lives life being ignorant of all that is right.
"There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death. Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness. The backslider in heart shall be filled with his own ways: and a good man shall be satisfied from himself." (Proverbs 14:12-14)
"Correction is grievous unto him that forsaketh the way: and he that hateth reproof shall die." (Proverbs 15:10)
"He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul: but he that heareth reproof getteth understanding." (Proverbs 15:32)
I close with this verse: "Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby." (Hebrews 12:11)
Let us be conscious of our own decisions. Are we making the right ones? Do we carefully weigh out the pros and cons or do we operate strictly out of instinct. "He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly." Let us take the time to become understanding of one another's shortcomings, that we might be more merciful and tolerant. Unconditional love is a choice. It has never been based on a feeling. It is a logical thing. We must not allow our emotions to have control over us. Let us answer to the crying out of wisdom out in the streets before it is too late.
Those of us who have trouble understanding another's shortcomings, we need to just keep out mouths shut. "Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding." (Proverbs 17:28)
Let all things be done unto the glory of God.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Gradual Personality Alterations
It is no secret that I am often silent. For all of my life I've been this way. However, over the past several months, perhaps longer, the reasons as to why I stay silent have changed. The first 21-ish years of my life, I was silent because I was shy. People scared me. I cared so much about what people thought of me. Their opinions shaped me. Since people's opinions clashed, my general personality always changed with whoever I was with.
Over the past several months, I have developed quite a backbone. Staying silent is no longer my fetter of fear, but my conscious choice. I went from being fairly fickle to being overly opinionated. I've become sufficiently steadfast in my character, that is, until someone offers me something better, which is highly rare. Jesus is always offering me something better. He can point out the flaws in my opinions, philosophies, and theories better than anyone else I know. Other than that, there isn't much that impresses or coerces me, in all honesty. The term "open-mindedness" refers to the willingness to consider new ideas. In other words, it implies the act of not judging a book by its cover. It invites new insight or experience of matters, whether appealing or not, into one's life. Narrow-mindedness would be another term for willful ignorance. People who "just don't want to hear it" are narrow-minded.
There is so much junk in this world today that I simply won't accept. Most, if not all, of those things I have never experienced personally. Those who delight in those things could call me close-minded, but I disagree. I don't shut things out of my life unless I'm familiar with them and learn to loathe what they are. Quite frankly, there are many things that I'm not open to experiencing and am completely closed off to due to all things I hear about them. And I don't base that off of one man's point of view, but off many's. A few witnesses describing the same matter in opposing ways is enough for me to base my opinion for that matter. Their experiences are just as good as if I was to experience a matter firsthand, in my opinion. In some things people find guilty pleasure in, I see nothing but negative. The positive is only temporary and not worth the negative consequences that come with it. One good way to avoid temptation is to meditate on all the negatives of whatever that temptation may be. Sometimes, the hardcore truth of a matter is sheer negative. You just gotta brush the sugarcoating off.
I've learned not to dive so quickly into things that are pleasing to the eyes. That's the first red flag. Outward appearance is rarely a reflection of the inward reality. Satan once manifested himself as an angel of light - lovely on the outside, rotten to the core. Deceptive.
Anyway, the reason I stay silent is because I'm not one to cause a scene, though I must say, I'm reconsidering. Then again, there are certain ways to do things. I would that all be right with God. That inner desire urges me to bring rebuke to all sorts of people. However, rebuke can easily be interpreted as an expression of hatred if performed incorrectly. It should always be done in love. That brings up another reason why I remain silent: I need to learn the correct way to rebuke in a loving manner and have the guts to do it. We are free to correct someone as long as we don't suffer with the same transgression. Consider the man with the beam in his eye trying to correct the man with the mote in his eye. A mote is basically a particle of the same substance of what the beam is made of.
Well, I think I pretty much said what I wanted to say.
For those who understand Greek temperaments, I've gone from Phlegmatic-Melancholy to Melancholy-Choleric. Of course, my choleric is a little weak but it's gaining much momentum. Actually, I'm probably more Melancholy-Phlegmatic now, but my phlegmatic side is dropping quickly. The older I grow, the less sentimental and the more practical I become.
My life is certainly an interesting story.
Over the past several months, I have developed quite a backbone. Staying silent is no longer my fetter of fear, but my conscious choice. I went from being fairly fickle to being overly opinionated. I've become sufficiently steadfast in my character, that is, until someone offers me something better, which is highly rare. Jesus is always offering me something better. He can point out the flaws in my opinions, philosophies, and theories better than anyone else I know. Other than that, there isn't much that impresses or coerces me, in all honesty. The term "open-mindedness" refers to the willingness to consider new ideas. In other words, it implies the act of not judging a book by its cover. It invites new insight or experience of matters, whether appealing or not, into one's life. Narrow-mindedness would be another term for willful ignorance. People who "just don't want to hear it" are narrow-minded.
There is so much junk in this world today that I simply won't accept. Most, if not all, of those things I have never experienced personally. Those who delight in those things could call me close-minded, but I disagree. I don't shut things out of my life unless I'm familiar with them and learn to loathe what they are. Quite frankly, there are many things that I'm not open to experiencing and am completely closed off to due to all things I hear about them. And I don't base that off of one man's point of view, but off many's. A few witnesses describing the same matter in opposing ways is enough for me to base my opinion for that matter. Their experiences are just as good as if I was to experience a matter firsthand, in my opinion. In some things people find guilty pleasure in, I see nothing but negative. The positive is only temporary and not worth the negative consequences that come with it. One good way to avoid temptation is to meditate on all the negatives of whatever that temptation may be. Sometimes, the hardcore truth of a matter is sheer negative. You just gotta brush the sugarcoating off.
I've learned not to dive so quickly into things that are pleasing to the eyes. That's the first red flag. Outward appearance is rarely a reflection of the inward reality. Satan once manifested himself as an angel of light - lovely on the outside, rotten to the core. Deceptive.
Anyway, the reason I stay silent is because I'm not one to cause a scene, though I must say, I'm reconsidering. Then again, there are certain ways to do things. I would that all be right with God. That inner desire urges me to bring rebuke to all sorts of people. However, rebuke can easily be interpreted as an expression of hatred if performed incorrectly. It should always be done in love. That brings up another reason why I remain silent: I need to learn the correct way to rebuke in a loving manner and have the guts to do it. We are free to correct someone as long as we don't suffer with the same transgression. Consider the man with the beam in his eye trying to correct the man with the mote in his eye. A mote is basically a particle of the same substance of what the beam is made of.
Well, I think I pretty much said what I wanted to say.
For those who understand Greek temperaments, I've gone from Phlegmatic-Melancholy to Melancholy-Choleric. Of course, my choleric is a little weak but it's gaining much momentum. Actually, I'm probably more Melancholy-Phlegmatic now, but my phlegmatic side is dropping quickly. The older I grow, the less sentimental and the more practical I become.
My life is certainly an interesting story.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Pondering Weak and Weary on This Midnight Dreary
It is a bit funny how everything speaks to me. Everyday things happen, whether great or small, that affect me in some manner, teaching me some type of lesson. Inspiration is always dancing around me without end. I don't mind it at all, but sometimes I think it is all I will ever have. There is a mark of loneliness that has branded my soul. Assuredly God is always at my side, but the human soul yearns for another made of the same flesh and blood.
Benjamin Franklin gave a quote in "Poor Richard's Almanac" that says "God helps them who help themselves." Some make efforts to discredit that phrase, saying that it is better to trust in the Lord than to trust in man, and like Scriptures - and indeed those things are true. However, in Franklin's defense, I believe that his quote is somewhat misinterpreted. In my opinion, his quote appears to be addressing the issue of laziness. Surely, in the helpless state of man, God will come to the rescue, but there are other situations in which man isn't helpless. I'd like to call your attention to the Bible's book of James, chapter two, verses 15-17 - "If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, and one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit? Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. "
After reading those verses for myself, it seems Franklin's quote should be revised like so: "God helps them who help OTHERS." Essentially, both the original and revised quotes somewhat exemplify the concept of faith without works being dead.
I question my reasoning for bringing the quote up in the first place, but nonetheless, let's move on - shall we?
Once college is done and I return home, I will have little to no idea what to do with my life. Of course, I have my goals and ambitions, but none of them earn me a salary or a consistent payroll, at least not right away. Those may take years. Anyway, the idea of a permanent full-time job sickens me, I must say. I really can't imagine myself coming back to a life of monotony. In most cases, judging solely from my observations, careers are generally either tolerable or very boring. The latter is probably destined for me. From what I know, the areas in which I am talented in would only bring financial income if I was to become famous. Even in that case, I doubt I possess the personality for that sort of endeavor. My demeanor is generally subdued, shy, and often forlorn.
On a more positive note, I don't require much to live. The basic necessities of life are all I truly need - food, shelter, water, clothing, etc. I can do without television (which I have for several years already). Internet isn't a necessity, but it's obvious I'm rather addicted to it. I can easily resort to doing what I did back at college when they didn't have wireless fidelity hooked up - go to the local library. Oh, which reminds me . . . . Rhonda the Honda needs petroleum, oil changes, and occasional maintenance as long as I continue to travel various places.
Materialism isn't something that affects me. One could blame that on my previous religion (New Age) in which I practiced Feng Shui, which teaches the practice of de-cluttering. I just don't like having a lot of stuff around and getting attached to it.
Probably the thing I fear most about the future is being lonely. After living with myself for the past 22+ years, I know fairly well how I operate. Most of my affairs are kept private - (And no, I'm not talking about love affairs. Everyone always knows about those :-P Hahaha, just kidding) I'm a minority in a TREMENDOUS amount of ways . . . . . seriously. It is nearly impossible to even try to liken me to any kind of stereotype. A few people have said to me that I defy all labels.
Of course, thinking of all this is futile. Perhaps it is far too early to think of these things. I've got several months . . . well, five. Hmmm.
Continue to teach me Thy ways, O sovereign God.
Benjamin Franklin gave a quote in "Poor Richard's Almanac" that says "God helps them who help themselves." Some make efforts to discredit that phrase, saying that it is better to trust in the Lord than to trust in man, and like Scriptures - and indeed those things are true. However, in Franklin's defense, I believe that his quote is somewhat misinterpreted. In my opinion, his quote appears to be addressing the issue of laziness. Surely, in the helpless state of man, God will come to the rescue, but there are other situations in which man isn't helpless. I'd like to call your attention to the Bible's book of James, chapter two, verses 15-17 - "If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, and one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit? Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. "
After reading those verses for myself, it seems Franklin's quote should be revised like so: "God helps them who help OTHERS." Essentially, both the original and revised quotes somewhat exemplify the concept of faith without works being dead.
I question my reasoning for bringing the quote up in the first place, but nonetheless, let's move on - shall we?
Once college is done and I return home, I will have little to no idea what to do with my life. Of course, I have my goals and ambitions, but none of them earn me a salary or a consistent payroll, at least not right away. Those may take years. Anyway, the idea of a permanent full-time job sickens me, I must say. I really can't imagine myself coming back to a life of monotony. In most cases, judging solely from my observations, careers are generally either tolerable or very boring. The latter is probably destined for me. From what I know, the areas in which I am talented in would only bring financial income if I was to become famous. Even in that case, I doubt I possess the personality for that sort of endeavor. My demeanor is generally subdued, shy, and often forlorn.
On a more positive note, I don't require much to live. The basic necessities of life are all I truly need - food, shelter, water, clothing, etc. I can do without television (which I have for several years already). Internet isn't a necessity, but it's obvious I'm rather addicted to it. I can easily resort to doing what I did back at college when they didn't have wireless fidelity hooked up - go to the local library. Oh, which reminds me . . . . Rhonda the Honda needs petroleum, oil changes, and occasional maintenance as long as I continue to travel various places.
Materialism isn't something that affects me. One could blame that on my previous religion (New Age) in which I practiced Feng Shui, which teaches the practice of de-cluttering. I just don't like having a lot of stuff around and getting attached to it.
Probably the thing I fear most about the future is being lonely. After living with myself for the past 22+ years, I know fairly well how I operate. Most of my affairs are kept private - (And no, I'm not talking about love affairs. Everyone always knows about those :-P Hahaha, just kidding) I'm a minority in a TREMENDOUS amount of ways . . . . . seriously. It is nearly impossible to even try to liken me to any kind of stereotype. A few people have said to me that I defy all labels.
Of course, thinking of all this is futile. Perhaps it is far too early to think of these things. I've got several months . . . well, five. Hmmm.
Continue to teach me Thy ways, O sovereign God.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Heart to Hearts
As I daily walk amongst crowds of people, whether big or small, something lurks among them that I've never known. It is common in every era - perhaps a given. Very few people, if any, fail to engage in this type of thing. It is something I've never understood. Perhaps this is something I'll never understand, unless God will perform the miraculous. I am speaking of human relations.
In all walks of life, there are friendships and relationships. I'm afraid I do not understand either. In no way do I deny possessing friendships; however, it is no secret that I'm no expert at it. Keeping healthy relationships between me and other people, whether family or not, is my greatest weakness. For whatever reason, it is one of the least of my priorities. I cannot figure out why. Surely, people love me, and yes, I love people, but there is so much distance between me and them that I subconsciously demand.
There was a vast time in my life when I desperately craved closeness with certain people. For a while, it was a romantic impulse of a young and naive man, but it was more for the mere companionship than anything else. Now that I am older and wiser, the less I crave these sorts of things. In my bouts of solitude, I am fairly content. Occasionally, I am disturbed when my solitude is broken. Other times, it bothers me not.
It's very difficult for me to get attached to people. Someone can be my best friend in one spur of the moment, and me their best friend as well, but once they are out of sight, they are out of my mind. When they confess feelings of disappointment and brokenheartedness due to my reluctance of keeping in contact with them, I become highly confused. I don't understand this emotional attachment.
Perhaps I am calloused.
The current world is full of conditional love. Perhaps this was what I was accustomed to all along. People always compliment me on my talents, integrity, and what not, but it always leaves me feeling highly embarrassed, even ashamed. What really gets me is when people casually mention something along the lines of, "I wish I was as good as you." It puts me on somewhat of a guilt trip. Something about that makes me feel rotten inside. Perhaps our priorities were just different. While others were joyfully playing outside with friends, I was inside alone tickling away at the piano somberly. While others were joined around a campfire, singing refrains of Kum-Ba-Yah, I was sitting on my bed alone with my nose in a book. Knowledge, wisdom, and persistence were my friends growing up. Now that I am older, they have stuck with me. I've grown attached to them. Jesus came one day and overtook much of the equation. Once He stepped into the picture, I became a whole lot closer to my three other non-human friends. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge.
For whatever reason, I have little to no desire to be closer to anyone. I'm satisfied with keeping feelings to myself. I'm satisfied with the help I can give myself when I am down. I'm satisfied with my own friendship when I am lonely; But there is one thing I'm not satisfied with.
My biggest dream is to see the world changed by God's love and infinite mercy. I want to see signs, wonders, and miracles take place. There is not one doubt in my mind that they can and will happen. I'm extremely confident in my faith. However, love is greater than faith (1 Corinthians 13:13). And faith works by love (Galatians 5:6).
Since I'm satisfied with being a loner, does this mean I don't care about anyone else? Since I'm satisfied with the distance I keep between people, does this mean I don't love anyone? My mind is filled with questions yet to be answered.
I know I must care about people since my heart breaks whenever I see another's despair. It is also in that point when fear and the uncertainty of knowing what to do grip me. Despair is where the human soul emerges. Whenever a human soul emerges, my body tenses up. A hurting soul does not yearn for one's professionalism, uprightness, and etiquette - as such I flaunt in vain. It yearns for love: something I've never enjoyed expressing.
Surely God will soon answer these questions and bring me around. I'd rather have my mind filled with questions than to become steadfast on a guess, deceiving myself, preventing myself from ever coming to the knowledge of the truth. I pray the Lord would never allow me to think I'm right when I'm not right. We must learn to love His chastisement. "The LORD hath chastened me sore: but he hath not given me over unto death" (Psalm 118:18) If I am ever in the wrong, may the Lord be quick to correct me.
This blog was mainly for my own personal benefit (most of them are), seeing my thoughts on "digi-paper," but I enjoy sharing my thoughts with the public that they might possibly see themselves in my shoes. While I may feel like an outsider, wandering as a vagabond, I know I am still human. My thoughts may carry me miles down roads less-traveled (or never traveled), but I am never able to jump out of God's control.
May goodness and mercy follow us all the days of our lives.
The end.
In all walks of life, there are friendships and relationships. I'm afraid I do not understand either. In no way do I deny possessing friendships; however, it is no secret that I'm no expert at it. Keeping healthy relationships between me and other people, whether family or not, is my greatest weakness. For whatever reason, it is one of the least of my priorities. I cannot figure out why. Surely, people love me, and yes, I love people, but there is so much distance between me and them that I subconsciously demand.
There was a vast time in my life when I desperately craved closeness with certain people. For a while, it was a romantic impulse of a young and naive man, but it was more for the mere companionship than anything else. Now that I am older and wiser, the less I crave these sorts of things. In my bouts of solitude, I am fairly content. Occasionally, I am disturbed when my solitude is broken. Other times, it bothers me not.
It's very difficult for me to get attached to people. Someone can be my best friend in one spur of the moment, and me their best friend as well, but once they are out of sight, they are out of my mind. When they confess feelings of disappointment and brokenheartedness due to my reluctance of keeping in contact with them, I become highly confused. I don't understand this emotional attachment.
Perhaps I am calloused.
The current world is full of conditional love. Perhaps this was what I was accustomed to all along. People always compliment me on my talents, integrity, and what not, but it always leaves me feeling highly embarrassed, even ashamed. What really gets me is when people casually mention something along the lines of, "I wish I was as good as you." It puts me on somewhat of a guilt trip. Something about that makes me feel rotten inside. Perhaps our priorities were just different. While others were joyfully playing outside with friends, I was inside alone tickling away at the piano somberly. While others were joined around a campfire, singing refrains of Kum-Ba-Yah, I was sitting on my bed alone with my nose in a book. Knowledge, wisdom, and persistence were my friends growing up. Now that I am older, they have stuck with me. I've grown attached to them. Jesus came one day and overtook much of the equation. Once He stepped into the picture, I became a whole lot closer to my three other non-human friends. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge.
For whatever reason, I have little to no desire to be closer to anyone. I'm satisfied with keeping feelings to myself. I'm satisfied with the help I can give myself when I am down. I'm satisfied with my own friendship when I am lonely; But there is one thing I'm not satisfied with.
My biggest dream is to see the world changed by God's love and infinite mercy. I want to see signs, wonders, and miracles take place. There is not one doubt in my mind that they can and will happen. I'm extremely confident in my faith. However, love is greater than faith (1 Corinthians 13:13). And faith works by love (Galatians 5:6).
Since I'm satisfied with being a loner, does this mean I don't care about anyone else? Since I'm satisfied with the distance I keep between people, does this mean I don't love anyone? My mind is filled with questions yet to be answered.
I know I must care about people since my heart breaks whenever I see another's despair. It is also in that point when fear and the uncertainty of knowing what to do grip me. Despair is where the human soul emerges. Whenever a human soul emerges, my body tenses up. A hurting soul does not yearn for one's professionalism, uprightness, and etiquette - as such I flaunt in vain. It yearns for love: something I've never enjoyed expressing.
Surely God will soon answer these questions and bring me around. I'd rather have my mind filled with questions than to become steadfast on a guess, deceiving myself, preventing myself from ever coming to the knowledge of the truth. I pray the Lord would never allow me to think I'm right when I'm not right. We must learn to love His chastisement. "The LORD hath chastened me sore: but he hath not given me over unto death" (Psalm 118:18) If I am ever in the wrong, may the Lord be quick to correct me.
This blog was mainly for my own personal benefit (most of them are), seeing my thoughts on "digi-paper," but I enjoy sharing my thoughts with the public that they might possibly see themselves in my shoes. While I may feel like an outsider, wandering as a vagabond, I know I am still human. My thoughts may carry me miles down roads less-traveled (or never traveled), but I am never able to jump out of God's control.
May goodness and mercy follow us all the days of our lives.
The end.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Key of Life
This blog will be more of a diary-like ambiance rather than my usual teachings/sermons.
There was a question that was asked at church today, right before altar call. The pastor inquired of the congregation: "How many of you think that life is hard? Raise your hand." From where I was standing, on the platform as a praise singer, it seemed that everyone raised their hand, including the pastor. However, for whatever reason, I couldn't bring myself to raise my hand. It seemed I was the only one who remained idle after this question was asked. A few minutes later, he again asked the same question. I, again, had my hand at my side, feeling slightly awkward at the strange looks I was getting.
The response shocked me.
Am I really the only one who doesn't think life is difficult? I had thought it was at one point, but then as life went on, things became much easier as I grew in the Lord. Am I in the wrong to have kept my hands at my sides? Was I just kidding myself?
As I think about all the things in my life, I see nothing but good. My future is rather bright. Yes, there are a few things in my life that many would see as fairly troublesome, but I've learned to be happy despite what goes on. Is it merely my perspective on life that makes it easy? There isn't a doubt in my mind that all things work together for the good to them that love God. Let us look at ourselves. Do we, deeply in our heart of hearts, sincerely love God? It will show by our actions.
By nature, I am a loner. Does that bother me? No. I enjoy living this way. In essence, I'm not really a loner, for Jesus always walks with me.
I believe that what would make life easy is to have the favor of God upon one's life. Is Jesus involved in every aspect of our lives? Are we fully conscious that Jesus knows our minds and what they think? He knows everything. We might as well acknowledge everything that goes on. Some of us open up wide to humans, telling them everything, yet neglect talking about stuff with God. Perhaps we put our trust in people too much. "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." (Psalm 118:8).
Allow me to be transparent.
I've NEVER trusted another human being before. This is just the way I am. I always expect people to fail, mistreat me, use me, etc. If we hold people up to certain standards of perfection, then yes, I can see why life would be difficult. I cannot count how many times I've watched people freak out in front of me simply because they had made a mistake towards me. They make a big deal out of something that never even phased me. It's never been in me to hold grudges or to withhold forgiveness. Whenever I was down, it wasn't another human being that lifted me up, but rather it was God and myself. Consider 1 Samuel 30:6 - " . . . but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God."
As I travel from church to church, it's easy for me to determine where they're at in God. Some miss His plans by miles; others are right on target. That's the overall spirit of a church, but the overall is made up of many individuals.
There is a certain church I know of in which the overall spirit of it is full of doubt and despair. For years, I've watched the same people "cry on God's shoulder" at altar call every Sunday morning, yet neglect to change their own lives. They deal with the same problems, the same hurts, same struggles, and they lack progression. There have even been times when some have acknowledged this and proceeded to give an irrational rant against the devil doing a work in the church.
It's not the devil's fault. It's our fault.
Galatians 5 mentions works of the flesh. These aren't works of the devil, but of our own selves. The devil cannot control our flesh. God cannot control our flesh UNLESS we give Him permission. If we desperately love Jesus, then we are His. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. The works of the flesh are adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness (promiscuity), idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance (arguing, discord, disunity), emulations (jealousy), wrath, strife, seditions (rebellion), heresies (nonconformity), envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings (wild parties), and such like. Verse 21 goes on to say that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.
These are things only we can fix ourselves. If we have desires to partake in any of these ungodly matters, we must talk to Jesus about it. We should ask Him what the main cause of our desire is, that we may go about fixing it. Many of these things are performed out of human instinct in order to relieve inner pain and hurt.
If only we could have confidence in God's love for us. We should never feel ashamed before Him and when coming into His house. It is written that faith works by love (Galatians 5:6).
I think something that many churches lack is to stress on reading God's Word. Either that, or the congregation simply isn't obedient. Perhaps we need to have sessions in our churches where we all get together and just read portions of the Bible. We must somehow bring understanding of it in our heads. If we don't understand it, we must either pray for the understanding, or find someone who does understand (someone whose possesses much Spiritual fruit). It is written that when anyone hears the Word of God and doesn't understand it, the enemy comes along and plucks it out (Matthew 13:19). In the same chapter, the Bible says that there are also those who hear the Word of God, love hearing it, but don't allow it to pierce their hearts. I think these are those who think Scripture sounds pretty and pleasing to the ear, but they just brush it off and go about their day. We should learn to meditate upon Scriptures, letting them become branded upon our hearts and minds, that the enemy may not persuade us otherwise. If we don't let it develop roots in us, then when tribulation or persecution come our way, we are offended. There are also those who hear it, but the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and we become unfruitful.
We must get this Word of God in our heads and hearts. We must do the things it ought us to do. Jesus said that if we love Him, then we will keep His commandments. If we aren't obedient, then we sever ourselves from Love itself. Without love, we are nothing. Obedience to God is the key of a blessed life.
Jesus, have your way in us.
There was a question that was asked at church today, right before altar call. The pastor inquired of the congregation: "How many of you think that life is hard? Raise your hand." From where I was standing, on the platform as a praise singer, it seemed that everyone raised their hand, including the pastor. However, for whatever reason, I couldn't bring myself to raise my hand. It seemed I was the only one who remained idle after this question was asked. A few minutes later, he again asked the same question. I, again, had my hand at my side, feeling slightly awkward at the strange looks I was getting.
The response shocked me.
Am I really the only one who doesn't think life is difficult? I had thought it was at one point, but then as life went on, things became much easier as I grew in the Lord. Am I in the wrong to have kept my hands at my sides? Was I just kidding myself?
As I think about all the things in my life, I see nothing but good. My future is rather bright. Yes, there are a few things in my life that many would see as fairly troublesome, but I've learned to be happy despite what goes on. Is it merely my perspective on life that makes it easy? There isn't a doubt in my mind that all things work together for the good to them that love God. Let us look at ourselves. Do we, deeply in our heart of hearts, sincerely love God? It will show by our actions.
By nature, I am a loner. Does that bother me? No. I enjoy living this way. In essence, I'm not really a loner, for Jesus always walks with me.
I believe that what would make life easy is to have the favor of God upon one's life. Is Jesus involved in every aspect of our lives? Are we fully conscious that Jesus knows our minds and what they think? He knows everything. We might as well acknowledge everything that goes on. Some of us open up wide to humans, telling them everything, yet neglect talking about stuff with God. Perhaps we put our trust in people too much. "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." (Psalm 118:8).
Allow me to be transparent.
I've NEVER trusted another human being before. This is just the way I am. I always expect people to fail, mistreat me, use me, etc. If we hold people up to certain standards of perfection, then yes, I can see why life would be difficult. I cannot count how many times I've watched people freak out in front of me simply because they had made a mistake towards me. They make a big deal out of something that never even phased me. It's never been in me to hold grudges or to withhold forgiveness. Whenever I was down, it wasn't another human being that lifted me up, but rather it was God and myself. Consider 1 Samuel 30:6 - " . . . but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God."
As I travel from church to church, it's easy for me to determine where they're at in God. Some miss His plans by miles; others are right on target. That's the overall spirit of a church, but the overall is made up of many individuals.
There is a certain church I know of in which the overall spirit of it is full of doubt and despair. For years, I've watched the same people "cry on God's shoulder" at altar call every Sunday morning, yet neglect to change their own lives. They deal with the same problems, the same hurts, same struggles, and they lack progression. There have even been times when some have acknowledged this and proceeded to give an irrational rant against the devil doing a work in the church.
It's not the devil's fault. It's our fault.
Galatians 5 mentions works of the flesh. These aren't works of the devil, but of our own selves. The devil cannot control our flesh. God cannot control our flesh UNLESS we give Him permission. If we desperately love Jesus, then we are His. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. The works of the flesh are adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness (promiscuity), idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance (arguing, discord, disunity), emulations (jealousy), wrath, strife, seditions (rebellion), heresies (nonconformity), envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings (wild parties), and such like. Verse 21 goes on to say that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.
These are things only we can fix ourselves. If we have desires to partake in any of these ungodly matters, we must talk to Jesus about it. We should ask Him what the main cause of our desire is, that we may go about fixing it. Many of these things are performed out of human instinct in order to relieve inner pain and hurt.
If only we could have confidence in God's love for us. We should never feel ashamed before Him and when coming into His house. It is written that faith works by love (Galatians 5:6).
I think something that many churches lack is to stress on reading God's Word. Either that, or the congregation simply isn't obedient. Perhaps we need to have sessions in our churches where we all get together and just read portions of the Bible. We must somehow bring understanding of it in our heads. If we don't understand it, we must either pray for the understanding, or find someone who does understand (someone whose possesses much Spiritual fruit). It is written that when anyone hears the Word of God and doesn't understand it, the enemy comes along and plucks it out (Matthew 13:19). In the same chapter, the Bible says that there are also those who hear the Word of God, love hearing it, but don't allow it to pierce their hearts. I think these are those who think Scripture sounds pretty and pleasing to the ear, but they just brush it off and go about their day. We should learn to meditate upon Scriptures, letting them become branded upon our hearts and minds, that the enemy may not persuade us otherwise. If we don't let it develop roots in us, then when tribulation or persecution come our way, we are offended. There are also those who hear it, but the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and we become unfruitful.
We must get this Word of God in our heads and hearts. We must do the things it ought us to do. Jesus said that if we love Him, then we will keep His commandments. If we aren't obedient, then we sever ourselves from Love itself. Without love, we are nothing. Obedience to God is the key of a blessed life.
Jesus, have your way in us.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Pièce de Résistance de Dieu
(Masterpiece of God)
It used to bother me that I was different, but now my perspective has changed. I no longer see my peculiarities as defects, but rather as blessings and as definitions of my character. If I was a sculpture, I would consider myself beautifully bizarre or sensationally surreal. Those of you who know me know that I've had very low esteem and very little confidence for all of my life. For me to say these things and the things I'm about to say is very difficult.
This blog is an effort to encourage myself, perhaps others.
Life has always consisted of me contradicting everyone. I never did it on purpose; it was just who I was. Clicking with people was always a failed attempt. The status quo simply never interested me.
As of now, I have found myself to be a mixture of many stereotypical crowds. You may have read my blog in which I elaborated on the quote, "Birds of a feather flock together." My plumage is of every color. I'd even go as far as to say that I'm a combination of both genders, personality-wise of course.
Many say that one's soul is without gender. If this is true, God has no gender either. Lately, I've been doing some intense studying regarding androgyny. There are theories out there that Adam, the first man, was actually androgynous (both male and female). When God took Eve out of his side, He took the female aspects out of him and formed them into a person. Then there was both male and female. Also consider that when two marry, they "become one flesh." This is a very interesting study. Apparently, Jews believe that God has no gender. They've always referred to G-d as a "He," because of the principles of the Hebrew language. Masculine terminology was given to things that were strong, unbreakable, and resilient. Feminine terminology was seen as weak, breakable, and frail. Also consider that the man was created as the head of the family. Referring to the Lord as a male gender may simply be an anthropomorphism, which is the application of human characteristics to a non-human object in attempts to better explain it in a more understandable way. The Bible says that God created man in His own image. If Adam was androgynous, then so was God. Even later on in Genesis, it says this: "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." Men and women are in God's image. This is a very interesting topic. Of course, it is only a theory, as far as I'm concerned. I'd like to talk to a devout Jew regarding this.
Anyway, I remember learning in a few classes the differences between the way male and female brains think. In addition, I read much of John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." At these points of my education, I found myself to equate more with the female way of thinking. It has always been that way with me. It is generally understood that one becomes like the ones he surrounds himself with. I grew up hanging out with girls, and my mom was the main individual to raise me. Hanging out with guys didn't really happen until I went to college. I'm at a point now in my life where I can pretty much hang out with anyone and be okay with it. My mind is much more of a neutral gender now.
It is very easy for me to catch people off guard and completely boggle them. I do it just by being me, lol. These past several months, I've learned to embrace myself as a creation of God. He made me who I am for a reason. If He wishes to make changes, I will let Him. People can say all sorts of things, judging me and my persona, but may God have the final say. As far as my own say, my persona is regarded as highly unusual, old-fashioned, taboo even, at least in America. In foreign countries, I could be regarded as normal. It's all a matter of one's perspective and cultural upbringing.
I encourage you, even DARE you to be bold and to do the things you've always wanted to do (as long as they're not sinful) and to be the person you've always wanted to be. Don't let the opinions of others, whether positive or negative, affect who you are. The only individual's whose opinion you should care about is God's, for He created you and your identity.
The world is full of chaos, confusion, and despair. Peer pressure is one of its deadliest poisons that many are forced to ingest. Don't let yourself fall for it.
". . . whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (Philippians 4:8)
It used to bother me that I was different, but now my perspective has changed. I no longer see my peculiarities as defects, but rather as blessings and as definitions of my character. If I was a sculpture, I would consider myself beautifully bizarre or sensationally surreal. Those of you who know me know that I've had very low esteem and very little confidence for all of my life. For me to say these things and the things I'm about to say is very difficult.
This blog is an effort to encourage myself, perhaps others.
Life has always consisted of me contradicting everyone. I never did it on purpose; it was just who I was. Clicking with people was always a failed attempt. The status quo simply never interested me.
As of now, I have found myself to be a mixture of many stereotypical crowds. You may have read my blog in which I elaborated on the quote, "Birds of a feather flock together." My plumage is of every color. I'd even go as far as to say that I'm a combination of both genders, personality-wise of course.
Many say that one's soul is without gender. If this is true, God has no gender either. Lately, I've been doing some intense studying regarding androgyny. There are theories out there that Adam, the first man, was actually androgynous (both male and female). When God took Eve out of his side, He took the female aspects out of him and formed them into a person. Then there was both male and female. Also consider that when two marry, they "become one flesh." This is a very interesting study. Apparently, Jews believe that God has no gender. They've always referred to G-d as a "He," because of the principles of the Hebrew language. Masculine terminology was given to things that were strong, unbreakable, and resilient. Feminine terminology was seen as weak, breakable, and frail. Also consider that the man was created as the head of the family. Referring to the Lord as a male gender may simply be an anthropomorphism, which is the application of human characteristics to a non-human object in attempts to better explain it in a more understandable way. The Bible says that God created man in His own image. If Adam was androgynous, then so was God. Even later on in Genesis, it says this: "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." Men and women are in God's image. This is a very interesting topic. Of course, it is only a theory, as far as I'm concerned. I'd like to talk to a devout Jew regarding this.
Anyway, I remember learning in a few classes the differences between the way male and female brains think. In addition, I read much of John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." At these points of my education, I found myself to equate more with the female way of thinking. It has always been that way with me. It is generally understood that one becomes like the ones he surrounds himself with. I grew up hanging out with girls, and my mom was the main individual to raise me. Hanging out with guys didn't really happen until I went to college. I'm at a point now in my life where I can pretty much hang out with anyone and be okay with it. My mind is much more of a neutral gender now.
It is very easy for me to catch people off guard and completely boggle them. I do it just by being me, lol. These past several months, I've learned to embrace myself as a creation of God. He made me who I am for a reason. If He wishes to make changes, I will let Him. People can say all sorts of things, judging me and my persona, but may God have the final say. As far as my own say, my persona is regarded as highly unusual, old-fashioned, taboo even, at least in America. In foreign countries, I could be regarded as normal. It's all a matter of one's perspective and cultural upbringing.
I encourage you, even DARE you to be bold and to do the things you've always wanted to do (as long as they're not sinful) and to be the person you've always wanted to be. Don't let the opinions of others, whether positive or negative, affect who you are. The only individual's whose opinion you should care about is God's, for He created you and your identity.
The world is full of chaos, confusion, and despair. Peer pressure is one of its deadliest poisons that many are forced to ingest. Don't let yourself fall for it.
". . . whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (Philippians 4:8)
Saturday, October 17, 2009
In the Presence of the King
Today was a very somber day for me. Perhaps many will relate to this. Last night, God exposed flaws in me, through the lips of another person, therefore, showing me clogs in the vessel He is supposed to flow through. In our feeble human minds, we tend to think we're either not good enough for God or we're too good for God. We either shun Him for feeling ashamed of all our flaws and such, or we shun Him thinking that we don't need Him. All this is usually done without realizing it.
The prime goal is to maintain a balance between the two, including God in the equation. Doing works for His kingdom is a team effort. We must be confident in His love for us, yet also be subordinate, knowing our place. Since the Church is the fiancee of Christ, many of us are guilty of spiritual feminism, if you will, attempting to rise above the Husband.
Jesus has never been a male chauvinist, but rather the perfect gentlemen. Women will naturally take dominion in a household when the men don't fulfill their own duties or even show love to their wives. Women usually have no problem submitting to their husbands as long as they are fulfilling their God-given duties and loving their wives. This is just the way things are by nature.
Anyway . . . it was pointed out to me by God that I had often committed a sin which I didn't realize I was committing. Many of us do this. It's doing things our own way, opposing any of God's ways. It is written that He will beautify the meek with salvation. I wasn't being meek, but rather insubordinate. Therefore, I was ugly.
After much self-induced guilt and shame all day, the King of all kings stepped off His throne, walked down a heavenly staircase, and stepped into my presence. I, a fallen man, was shown love and comfort by a merciful King. I was in my car on my way home from work when this happened. The song "Falling in Love with Jesus" had just come on on the radio. I felt the Spirit of the Lord enter my car; it overwhelmed me. My composure slipped away from me as I began to cry out. All I could do was speak in tongues loudly for several minutes. When I pulled in my garage, I raised my hands and closed my eyes. My entire face became soaked with tears as Jesus made Himself known in the presence of a lowly servant such as me. (It is also written that He calls us not servants, but friends.) I fell into somewhat of a trance-like state, forgetting where I was. The only thing going through my mind was Psalm 51, specifically the verses that say, "Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation," and "Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice."
A few minutes later, I opened my eyes to a dark garage.
I entered into my home feeling refreshed. How great is this King's mercy! How great is His love! Let us rejoice in His name! I have never been one to celebrate anything, but this Jesus instills such excitement in me that I can't possibly contain myself. Nothing in this world even compares. Nothing in this world has ever even come remotely close to doing that sort of thing to me.
O that we would all often experience divine encounters with the King of kings.
O taste and see that the Lord is indeed good!
:-)
The prime goal is to maintain a balance between the two, including God in the equation. Doing works for His kingdom is a team effort. We must be confident in His love for us, yet also be subordinate, knowing our place. Since the Church is the fiancee of Christ, many of us are guilty of spiritual feminism, if you will, attempting to rise above the Husband.
Jesus has never been a male chauvinist, but rather the perfect gentlemen. Women will naturally take dominion in a household when the men don't fulfill their own duties or even show love to their wives. Women usually have no problem submitting to their husbands as long as they are fulfilling their God-given duties and loving their wives. This is just the way things are by nature.
Anyway . . . it was pointed out to me by God that I had often committed a sin which I didn't realize I was committing. Many of us do this. It's doing things our own way, opposing any of God's ways. It is written that He will beautify the meek with salvation. I wasn't being meek, but rather insubordinate. Therefore, I was ugly.
After much self-induced guilt and shame all day, the King of all kings stepped off His throne, walked down a heavenly staircase, and stepped into my presence. I, a fallen man, was shown love and comfort by a merciful King. I was in my car on my way home from work when this happened. The song "Falling in Love with Jesus" had just come on on the radio. I felt the Spirit of the Lord enter my car; it overwhelmed me. My composure slipped away from me as I began to cry out. All I could do was speak in tongues loudly for several minutes. When I pulled in my garage, I raised my hands and closed my eyes. My entire face became soaked with tears as Jesus made Himself known in the presence of a lowly servant such as me. (It is also written that He calls us not servants, but friends.) I fell into somewhat of a trance-like state, forgetting where I was. The only thing going through my mind was Psalm 51, specifically the verses that say, "Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation," and "Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice."
A few minutes later, I opened my eyes to a dark garage.
I entered into my home feeling refreshed. How great is this King's mercy! How great is His love! Let us rejoice in His name! I have never been one to celebrate anything, but this Jesus instills such excitement in me that I can't possibly contain myself. Nothing in this world even compares. Nothing in this world has ever even come remotely close to doing that sort of thing to me.
O that we would all often experience divine encounters with the King of kings.
O taste and see that the Lord is indeed good!
:-)
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